How to Use Self-Soothing to Regulate Emotion
The ability to regulate your emotions (manage them in a healthy and constructive way to lower the intensity) is an essential life skill. Life is full of pain and joy- the pain can show up as anxiety, grief, anger, fear, shame, physical discomfort, or sadness. Besides being an essential part of our humanity, these emotions are of vital importance - they each communicate something to us about what our unmet needs are. But if they are too loud or intense, it is easy to become overwhelmed, unable to hear the message and drowning in the painful feeling.
In order to be able to think straight, make the most effective decisions, communicate effectively, and not be overwhelmed by pain, we must learn the skills that help us regulate our emotions. Not all of us learn this from our parents, because many parents don’t know how to do this themselves, but it is never too late to learn. And learn you can! Trauma or other intense stressors like fertility challenges, relationship conflict, pregnancy, birth trauma, pregnancy loss, or postpartum adjustment can also make it difficult to regulate your emotions. One of my favorite emotion regulation skills is using your sensory system to self-soothe.
What is Self-Soothing?
To soothe is to gently calm or ease pain or discomfort, whether it’s physical or emotional. Specifically, it is calming our nervous system, which is responsible for our emotional reactions, our fight or flight response, and turning on physical sensations like tension or a racing heart. Think about soothing a baby - we are working to calm them down and help them return to baseline from whatever upset or discomfort they experienced. Being able to calm yourself back to your baseline is an extremely useful and necessary skill to have.
How to Self-Sooth
The best way to self-soothe is to engage our five senses to experience pleasurable sensations. Think again about the baby example - we rub their backs or tummies (feels nice), we “shhhh” them (a comforting familiar sound of the womb), we offer them milk (a pleasant and satisfying food), they smell the familiar scent or mom or dad (which they associate with safety), and we may either engage them to look at their parents (favorite people) or take them into a darker room (less stimulating, more calming).
Below are many ideas of how you might self-soothe, grouped by each of the five senses. For each idea, be sure to really mindfully tune into how each feels in your body.
How to Make a Self-Soothing Plan
I always recommend to clients that they experiment to find what works and then write out a plan that includes at LEAST 3-5 options per sense. Experimenting is important for a few reasons. FIrst, you might be surprised to find something that works better than you thought it might, or conversely, was not as sootheing as you hoped. Better to know ahead of time! Second, trying these strategies out will help you get a sense of what it’s like to use them (like rehearasal) and prepare you for what you might need to utilize them.
It’s important to have many to choose from because any one strategy won’t work in all situations or always be accessible. Additionally, they won’t always work the same- sometimes a strategy may be more or less effective than usual. Lastly, you will likely need to combine many strategies over a period of time before your nervous system starts to calm. When people tell me “it didn’t work,” usually it’s because they tried one strategy for a couple of minutes. You may need to do it for a while 10+ min, an hour, even hours for a really upsettting time.
Writing out the plan is essential because the WORST time to think of how you can soothe yourself is when you are really upset. It’s impossible to think straight in that scenario and you will likely struggle to come up with effective ideas. Much better to have the plan written out in advance and then when you need it, you can just scan the list and choose from it like a menu. I recommend storing it as a note on your phone since you will likely always have your phone with you.
Finally, make sure you choose options that are accessible in a variety of situations, or at least a few options for each place you might need to self-soothe. For example, maybe you decide to include taking a bath or a shower. Great! But you can’t access that in the car or at work! You will need other strategies for those scenarios. Make sure you have several to choose from that you can use where you may need soothing (car, public spaces, work, and home come to mind, as well as the home of anyone you spend a lot of time at).
Super Soothers
The strategies that tend to be the most soothing are the ones that engage multiple senses at the same time. This is why time spent in nature or in the water are so universally soothing to people. It’s also why stress baking is a thing! For example with the baking, you are smelling the dough and the aroma of baking, feeling it’s softness as you knead, hearing the whirring of the mixer, tasting the fresh and tasty product, and seeing the batter transform to a beautiful baked good. For the outdoors example, you might hear leaves rustling, smell pine or flowers, feel the fresh air or soft grass, and see beautiful scenery.
Ways to Self-Soothe
Vision
Go outside and observe all the different colors, textures, plants, shapes, etc. that you can see.
Take in some beautiful scenery.
Look at photos of a happy time or of people/pets/places you love.
Watch the stars, moon, clouds, sunset, or sunrise.
Make art - even if it’s terrible, move colors around in a way you like.
Draw or doodle.
Watch funny videos.
Visualize a place that you find calming - real or imagined, past or present or future.
Watch a favorite movie/show.
Wear clothes you find beautiful.
Visualize someone or somewhere you love.
Light candles or use soft lighting. Or darkness if that’s your thing!
Cook something beautiful.
Go people watching or window shopping.
Enjoy art or a book.
Light a candle or make a fire and watch the flame dance.
Give yourself a manicure or pedicure (this also activates touch).
Sound
Listen to music, an audiobook, or podcast that you find soothing (for example, some narrators have extremely soothings voices!)
Go outside and listen to the sounds of nature
Get in the shower and listen to the water (bonus - if you wear a shower cap it’s even louder if you need extra help drowning out loud thoughts).
Use a sound machine and listen to whatever sound you like.
Crank up a fan for white noise.
Listen to a guided meditation.
Go to a sound bath.
Listen to water (flowing, dripping, raining).
Notice the honks and beeps of city traffic.
Notice all the sounds of the quiet night.
Go for a walk along the beach (like the Strand in the South Bay, Crystal Cove, or Carbon Beach) and listen to the ocean and other sounds.
Taste
Drink a cold drink that you enjoy (many clients specifically report that the cold helps calm them) and notice how it feels in your body.
Enjoy the ritual of pouring a cup of hot tea or coffee (bonus: feel the mug with your hands and mindfully inhale the aroma)
Slowly suck on a hard candy - spicy or sour ones can be so strong they can help distract (if that’s your thing).
Make yourself a comforting meal. Warm meals or meals that evoke comforting childhood memories tend to be particularly comforting.
Treat yourself to something you really enjoy but haven’t had in a while. Reacquaint yourself with old favorites.
Add something to flavor your water - spa water always feels more fun!
Put ice in your mouth and either slowly let it melt or crunch it.
Note: try to avoid significant caffeine since that can exacerbate anxiety. Similarly, alcohol is a depressant and can make difficult feelings worse or harder to control. Even if it lets you forget your troubles for a bit, they are right there once you sober up, still needing soothing.
Smell
Light a scented candle.
Warm an essential oil, or use incense in a scent you enjoy
Bake something you enjoy!
Get outside and notice the different scents.
Cook something you like the smell of! Roasted chicken, brownies, fresh bread, curry, garlic- whatever it is!
Smell your baby or freshly bathed (or not) pet (IYKYK).
Apply a lotion or perfume you like.
Seek out the random scents you like - we all have a few.
Get some fresh flowers or walk around the neighborhood or garden like Descanso Gardens, the Huntington, or South Coast Botanic Gardens.
Take a shower or bath and use your favorite scented bath products, from your shampoo or soap to a shower/bath bomb.
Touch
Cozy up in your comfy clothes - a big sweater, your soft pajamas, your plus robe.
Wrap yourself in a blanket. Or use a weighted blanket.
Lay on the cool tile.
Take a shower or a bath. Experiment with water temperature.
Go for a swim.
Wash your hands mindfully. Notice the temperature of the water.
Rub lotion on yourself.
Self-massage, rub your hands or feet together, or stroke an extra smooth part of your skin.
Pet your furry friend, really taking in how their fur feels on different parts of them.
Cuddle up with someone, a pet, or your favorite cozy stuff (pillow, blanket, heating pad, etc.)
Keep an object in your pocket to turn over in your hand (soft or smooth object)
Do some gentle stretching. Or simply savasana. Restorative yoga is a favorite soother.
Notice how you can feel your breath enter and exit your body. Notice your heart rate.
Put a cool, wet wash cloth on your face and/or neck.
Go outside and feel the sun and/or wind on your face.
Use a facemask.
Use a heating pad.
Rock yourself (in a chair or not) and notice the rhythm.
Stroke your own hair.
I hope that these ideas were helpful to you! Feel free to use your imagination and get as creative as you want. The sky is truly the limit and what each person finds soothing is unique to them. You know yourself best.
Get Support Regulating Your Emotions with Therapy for Women in Los Angeles, CA
Well Woman Psychology can help you learn to regulate your emotion so that you can cope with painful emotions or sensations and respond instead of react. Learning these skills can help your relationships immensely, as well as help you heal from trauma, ease body shame or anxiety, or cope with difficulties like infertility, the challenges of pregnancy or postpartum, and de-stress so you can enjoy intimacy. Start the journey to a more grounded you with these steps.
Reach out for a consultation at Well Woman Psychology
Schedule an appointment for therapy for women (or other more specific services, see below).
Start improving your ability to manage your emotions in a healthy way, enabling you to respond instead of react.
Other Online Therapy Services I Offer in California, Colorado, Illinois, New York, & Washington
Well Woman Psychology is here to help you regulate your emotions and calm your body, no matter the challenge you are facing. Women shoulder so many stressors - you don’t have to go it alone. Besides focusing on women’s lives and experiences we also specialize in individual relationship therapy, sex therapy, body image therapy, EMDR therapy, trauma therapy, and PTSD treatment. As a therapist for women, I am here to support your reproductive health with therapy for miscarriage, infertility, pregnancy, postpartum, and new moms. All of my services are offered throughout the state of California with online therapy, as well as in Colorado, Illinois, New York, and Washington.
About the Author, A Los Angeles Women’s Therapist:
Dr. Linda Baggett is a Licensed Psychologist specializing in women’s issues at Well Woman Psychology. She received her PhD in Counseling Psychology from the University of Memphis. As a psychologist for women, she specializes in helping women cope with their unique challenges, learning to cope with and accept the ups and downs of life, and pursue values-aligned, meaningful lives with healthy relationships.
Disclaimer: This blog is for educational and informational purposes only, is not a substitute for individual medical or mental health advice, and does not constitute a client-therapist relationship.